


If You Were Gay

by markofthemoros



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Avenue Q, Gen, Humor, M/M, Parody, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 03:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11820270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markofthemoros/pseuds/markofthemoros
Summary: Avenue Q. Self-explanatory.





	If You Were Gay

**Author's Note:**

> Would you believe me if I said I needed to kill a hangover?

The fire rattled invitingly as Ignis stretched his legs closer to the warmth, his bare toes curling blissfully. Snuggling himself comfortably against the soft cushion of his couch, a warm smile graced his lips as he turned the cover of his favorite book, "The Cosmogony Re-enactments of the 720s". He sighed in satisfaction; at long last he could have the afternoon off. Noctis had said that he'd spend the evening at Prompto's, telling him that they'd eat out and that Ignis didn't need to come over today. A whole afternoon alone; how could it get any better than this? A hand reached for the mug steaming on a stand; savoring the aroma, Ignis took a sip of his coffee when the door to his private quarters opened.

"Hey Iggs!"

Ignis spurt the hot contents from his mouth, his eyes widening. "Hello, Noct," he muttered less than enthusiastically as he went to wipe his mouth, his back still towards the door. "I thought Your Highness said that you'd be at Prompto's."

"Nah, Prom wasn't feelin' well," Noctis shrugged, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned over to try to peer at the item on his adviser's lap. "What're you doing?"

A discouraged look visited the man's face, and he coughed to brush off his embarrassment. "Nothing. Do you need som–?" he started, but Noctis cut in,

"Hey, Iggs, you'll never guess what happened to me on my way back just now! It's hilarious!" he chuckled excitedly, not having listened a word. "This guy was _smiling_ at me and _talking_ to me…" he went on, putting a meaningful stress on the words.

"Hmm. That's very interesting," Ignis muttered, rolling his eyes, wishing to the Six that his young liege would either get to the point or get out!

"He was being _real_ friendly," Noctis snorted a laugh as he leaned against one of the bookshelves. "And, heh, I think he was comin' onto me!" he burst out. "I think he might have thought I was gay!"

"Or perhaps he was just overjoyed in seeing his prince in the flesh. Now truly Noct, can I help you with anything?" a degree of plea slipped into the adviser's voice.

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensi–"

"Oh, by the Six, Noct!" Ignis snapped, finally throwing a hot glare towards the other. Seeing the look of surprised shock on the other, he went to correct himself, "Should I care about this mystery man, then? Did he cause you any trouble?"

"Oh, ugh, I didn't mean anything by it, Iggs. I, I just think it's something we should be able to talk about," Noctis uttered, the lead clear in his tone; the dagger-wielder didn't see it as his mission to follow this time, however.

"Well, in case he was no more than an enthusiastic passer-by, I do not want to talk about it, Noct. Now, did you need something?" Ignis spoke quickly, turning his heating cheeks towards the fireplace and hoping, praying that the crack in his composure would go unnoticed by the other.

"Hey, but Iggs…" Noct started, not missing the change that had crept into the other's demeanor as he had mentioned that one particular word. And if Noctis had ever learned to deduce anything from his ice-heart of an adviser, it was that particular way he held himself, the small twitchy motion with which he corrected his glasses every time Noctis was onto something.

"Noct!" Ignis had stood up. His shoulders shook a little with controlled irritation as he almost hissed, "Did you need something? If not, may I ask Your Highness to please leave now?"

And that's when Noctis knew he had hit the jackpot.

"Oh, okey," he shrugged with exaggerated casualness, "But just so you know… If you were gay, Iggs, that'd be okay."

Ignis froze. Head to toes, a horrified look on his face. His mouth opened and closed a few times, before a small, incredulous 'beg your pardon' was uttered.

"I mean 'cause, hey, I like you anyway," Noctis smirked, his eyes lighting up with mischievous delight as he took it all in. The horror that melt into frustration as the adviser caught on,

"Ugh, Noct…"

"Because you see, Iggs," he pushed himself off the bookshelf as he started to circle the man slowly, "if it were me, I would feel free to tell you I was gay, right?" His eyes visited the other's baffled expression briefly before he added, "I'm not gay, though."

Ignis, now that he understood that Noctis was doing this merely to push his buttons, cast his eyes up to the ceiling as if to pray for patience, "Noctis, please. Did you or did you not need something at this time?" The look the prince was giving him screamed, 'does it make you nervous'. "What?!"

"If you were queer–"

"Ugh, Noct...!"

"–I'd still be here–"

"Noctis, I was having a day off–"

"–year after year–"

"Noct!"

"–because you're dear to me."

"Ugh!"

"And I know that you would accept me, too, if I told you I was gay. But I'm not. But you would."

"I would…?" Ignis looked troubled, his eyes jumping from the prince to the book resting on his couch.

"Iggs, I'm happy just having you with me. So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys while I'm gone?" he spoke with a smirk, nailing the other on the spot with a terrified expression that spoke volumes.

"Your Highness, that is highly inappropriate–!"

"No, it's not! If you were gay, man, I'd shout 'hurray'! I'd be happy for you to finally come to terms with that!"

"I am not listening," Ignis grunted, rolling his eyes as he slumped back down.

"But I still wouldn't get in your way, though," Noct snorted.

"Argh!"

Ignis had clasped his hands over his face; he'd resigned himself to the fact that Noct wouldn't stop, not until he was done, and he, he had no choice but to either make it through this, or collapse. And he was more than tempted by the latter.

But apparently, the prince had had his fun. His tone now softer, and humor gone from his dark voice, he spoke quietly, sincerely, "But you know, Iggs, you can count on me." He took a few steps closer until he was sitting on the arm rest, his arms crossed over his chest "Count on me to be beside you, telling you this every day until you realize it yourself. That hey, it's just, you were born that way, and it's fine. If you're gay, then that's it."

The hands falling to his lap in surrender but eyes still closed, Ignis took a deep breath and let himself sink against the couch, "I am not gay, Noct." The tone indicated that that's final and that the adviser was asking, _pleading_ him to either please god tell him if there was anything he could do for his prince, or leave him alone. Shrugging, Noctis got up and turned to leave. He was done here.

Almost.

"If you were gay."

Noctis pulled the door closed behind him just in time to avoid the half-filled coffee cup flung in the general direction of his head.


End file.
